Anything I Can Write You Can Write Better - Weekly Challenge

It's often easy to tell when a piece of writing needs some editing and improving - but the first step in taking writing from 'meh' to 'magnificent' is understanding how and why it isn't  working. When we see that, it's much easier to make improvements. 

Each week we'll be taking a look at a short piece of writing, which definitely needs some work! 
(Don't worry, it'll be my own terrible attempts that we'll be dissecting so no - one will need to be nervous that they'll have to have their work scrutinised!)
Together, we'll discover the elements that aren't hitting the mark and will share ideas on how the paragraph could be improved and what aspects of writing could be included. 

Using the ideas that we talk about as a starting point, students will write their own version of the piece. 
This could be the opening of a story, the ending, a character profile, a short story, an extract from the middle of a tale or a descriptive piece.

Time permitting, students will be encouraged to share their writing if they like: this could be reading aloud, sharing via Chat (with everyone or just me), or uploading to the classroom. Students may send their finished work to me after class if they like (I will read and comment but please note that there won't be an assessment or full breakdown of their work).
Sharing is entirely optional and no one will be under any pressure to do so.

Examples of work we may cover for the next few weeks:

WB 22nd Apr:    A character description. Bring them to life!
WB 29th Apr:    A picture-inspired description: turn it from scribble to masterpiece.
WB 6th May:   
WB 13th May: