How to build your child’s social-emotional learning (SEL)
Why Social-Emotional Learning (SEL) is crucial to a child's development and how you can set them up for success by building their core SEL skills.
In a world that often prioritizes measurable achievements, it's easy to overlook the less tangible but equally vital aspects of our children's development. From their first steps to their first words, we’re all about celebrating milestones. But if we get stuck on those more measurable things, we often miss a hugely important area of human development. Social-Emotional Learning (SEL) is a foundational part of a child’s upbringing.
It takes us beyond preparing our children for academic success or career paths, and into the world of nurturing young people to become emotionally and socially equipped for life.
What is Social-Emotional Learning (SEL), and why is it important?
Let's be real: when was the last time you needed to know the square root of 144 in your daily life? When did a multiple-choice question ever help you navigate a difficult conversation in a relationship? The truth is, life's most crucial tests don't come with a study guide or black-and-white answers. They come unannounced in the form of challenges that test not just our intellect but our emotional and social intelligence.
That's where Social-Emotional Learning (SEL) comes in. It's not just another educational buzzword; it's a framework for human development. It's about equipping ourselves and our children with the skills to navigate the complexities of human emotions, relationships, and ethical dilemmas. And these skills are not abstract concepts; they're concrete competencies that can be taught, learned, and practiced. Specifically, SEL focuses on five core competencies:
Self-awareness: The ability to recognize and understand one's emotions, and to have a clear perception of one's strengths and limitations.
Self-management: The skills to regulate emotions and behaviors, to manage stress, and to motivate oneself.
Social awareness: The capacity to understand and empathize with others, and to recognize the complexity of social cues and norms.
Relationship skills: The ability to build and maintain healthy relationships, to communicate effectively, and to resolve conflicts.
Responsible decision-making: The capability to make ethical choices based on consideration of various factors, including social, emotional, and ethical implications.
And this isn't just touchy-feely talk; it's backed by hard data. According to a 2011 meta-analysis by CASEL (the Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning), students who participated in evidence-based SEL programs showed an 11% gain in academic achievement compared to those who did not.
Focusing on these ‘soft skills’ is not just about nurturing emotional well-being; it's about setting the stage for a life that's both successful and meaningful.
Tips for Building SEL at Home
You don't need to be an expert in child psychology to foster SEL in your child. You don't need to have all the answers. What you do need is a willingness to engage, to be present, and to listen. Here are some actionable and fun ways to connect more with your child and help them develop in the most well-rounded way possible.
Emotion Coaching
Life often conditions us to suppress our emotions. To put on a brave face, to 'keep calm and carry on.' Usually, this does more harm than good. ‘Emotion coaching’ is the antithesis of that approach. It’s about creating a safe space for your child to explore their feelings and to give them the vocabulary they need to articulate what's going on inside them. There are five components to effective emotion coaching:
Create a safe space
Before diving into the emotional deep end, make sure your child knows they're in a judgment-free zone. Say something like, "It's okay to feel what you're feeling. I'm here to listen."
Encourage them to build key SEL skills
You can grow SEL skills through online classes designed specifically to help kids boost their SEL capabilities or by practicing key principles from wonderful parenting resources like Good Inside.
Active listening
Active listening isn't just about hearing your child; it's about really understanding them. Make eye contact, nod earnestly, and give verbal cues like "I see" or "Tell me more."
Open-ended questions
Ask questions that encourage your child to dig deeper into their feelings. Instead of asking, "Are you okay?" try, "How are you feeling about what happened?"
Validate but don't necessarily agree: It's crucial to validate their feelings without necessarily validating their actions. You can say, "I understand why you felt angry when your brother took your toy but hitting is not the way we solve problems." Equip them: Give them the emotional vocabulary they need. Help them label their feelings by saying things like, "It sounds like you're feeling frustrated. Is that right?"
By taking these steps, you're not just teaching your child that emotions aren't to be feared; you're teaching them that they can be understood, managed, and even leveraged for personal growth.
Gratitude journaling
In a culture that's obsessed with 'more,' that's constantly pushing us to strive for bigger, better, and faster, gratitude is a radical act of resistance. And journaling that gratitude is how you really bring it to life. They can even take a journaling class to learn how and practice with kids their age.
Choose a journal
Pick a notebook that your child can dedicate to this practice. Let them decorate it and make it their own in any way they like.
Set a time: choose a specific time each day to sit down and write in the journal. It could be right before bed or after dinner. Bonus points for sitting down with your own journal at the same time, and modeling what consistency looks like.
Be specific Encourage your child to go beyond generalities like "I'm thankful for my family." Ask them to be specific: "I'm thankful that Dad made my favorite dinner tonight" or "I'm grateful for the hug Mom gave me this morning."
Reflect
Take a few minutes to discuss what you both wrote. Ask questions like, "Why did that make you feel grateful?" or "How did that moment make your day better?"
By doing this, you're not just teaching your child to say 'thank you' for the sake of being polite; you're cultivating a mindset of deep gratitude and abundance. You're encouraging them to focus on the good, even when faced with challenges. You're teaching them to reflect on their day, to identify moments of joy or lessons learned, and to express that gratitude in a tangible way.
Letter writing
Communication these days (especially for teenagers!) is often reduced to 280 characters, a double-tap on a screen, or a photo that’s going to disappear in 24 hours. In contrast, the old art of letter writing feels almost revolutionary. But it's more than just a nostalgic nod to the past; it's a lesson in empathy, in the power of thoughtful communication.
To start, encourage your child to think of someone who has made a positive impact on their life recently. It could be a teacher who's gone the extra mile, a grandparent, or even a friend who's been supportive in some way. Then help your child to pause to reflect on their words and their impact. Ask them to consider what they appreciate about this person and how they've been helped or inspired by them.
By doing this, you're not just teaching your child to think beyond themselves; you're showing them that relationships are built not on likes and follows but on genuine connections, shared experiences, and mutual respect.
Active listening
As parents, it’s easy to offer advice and to try and fix things. For most of us, that’s our default. But what if our children really just need us to listen? Not so we can help them more, but so that we can show them what it feels like to be truly heard. Here’s a starting point for practicing active listening together:
Be fully present
The next time your child wants to talk, put down your phone, turn off the TV, shut the laptop, and give them your full attention. Show them what it means to be fully present.
Reflect and validate
After they've shared, reflect back what you've heard and validate their feelings. Say things like, "It sounds like you're feeling frustrated about this," or "I can see why that would make you happy."
Ask open-ended questions
Encourage deeper conversation by asking open-ended questions like, "How did that make you feel?" or "What do you think you'll do next?"
By doing this, you're teaching your child not just to listen but to understand. You're showing them that the most valuable gift they can offer someone is their undivided attention, their genuine interest, or their empathetic ear.
Role-playing
Life doesn't come with a script, and that's both its beauty and its challenge. Role-playing offers a safe space for your child to experiment by exploring different scenarios and outcomes. Here’s how you can give it a try:
Identify scenarios
Sit down with your child and identify scenarios they find challenging or confusing. It could be anything from how to handle a bully at school to how to ask for help from a teacher.
Switch roles
Take turns playing different roles. You can be the teacher, the friend, or even the bully, while your child practices their responses.
Discuss outcomes
After each role-play, discuss what went well and what could be improved. Ask questions like, "How did you feel when you said that?" or "What would you do differently next time?"
Through this, you're teaching them that it's okay to make mistakes. That they’re really just stepping stones on the path to understanding and growth. You're encouraging them to step out of their comfort zone, to take risks and face challenges head-on, to solve problems, and to find ways to communicate what they really want to say.
Conclusion
Social-Emotional Learning (SEL) isn't just a curriculum or a program; it's a way of life. It's a lifelong journey that begins the moment your child takes their first breath and continues long after they've flown the nest. It's about teaching them not just how to make a living but how to live. It's about equipping them with the emotional intelligence they need to fully live the human experience.
And the best part? You get to be their guide, their mentor, their biggest fan.
If you're ready to take the next step in this journey, Outschool is an invaluable resource. Unlike traditional educational systems, Outschool offers a community where your child can explore their interests in a supportive, engaging environment.
It's not just about academic subjects; it's about offering classes that delve into the realms of SEL, life skills, and executive functioning. It's about recognizing that education is not just about filling a bucket but lighting a fire.
Sign up for an Outschool class today and take an active role in shaping your child's emotional and social well-being. We’ll help you create a space where your child feels seen, heard, and valued.
Not just for their grades or their achievements but for who they are and aspire to be.
